A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. Murphys law of nursing #47: I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! Believe in your elf. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what they treat. Blowing, fingering, and tonguing isn't just for instruments. One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. ''I see the problem. What do you call a joke that isn't funny? Wanna take the joke a little far? Why did the mattress go to the doctors?It had a spring fever. While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Here you will find the nasty and sexual limericks that we can't show on the main page. You're a rebel without a Claus. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. A: You can't hear a vitamin. Was wilford brimley in yellowstone. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!Doctor: Dont worry, I have some cream for that., Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?Doctor: Sell!, What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?Get dressed up the doctor is taking us out!. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! When Im not telling stories, youll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop ! Patient: 'Great! Your daughter is using cocaine. Dirty Medical Jokes One Liners. Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor? More jokes about: dirty, doctor, food, kids, money A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. '", 9. Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!". Morbid: A higher offer than I bid, Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up. Doctor, please hurry. Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Here's your $1000 back." 13 That Killed Him - Heartbreaking Tale. Have you seen all jokes? The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. ", Patient: Please help me! A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. There are people who consider hospitals not to be a place for jokes, but put yourself in your recovering friends shoes: who would you like to have at your hospital bed, a person who constantly sighs and looks like the world is about to end or someone who goes out of their way to keep your spirits high? I'm desperate!""Aha!'' I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" Error occurred when generating embed. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Weirdly, I've been taking some anti-impotence medication for my sunburn. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. So it's no surprise that this translates into some great humor in the professional field. If you'd like to enjoy some more medical humor check out our10 Humerus Jokes for Allied Health Students. What did he name the girl? By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. Between the first and second hole. she replied. Shingles, he responded. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. "I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. But you have to know that even doctors have a good sense of humor. He needs an infusion whats his blood type?!. What should I do?Take these pills, says the doctor. Where? he asked. When your brain is in absolute overload. A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. Have you got anything to keep it in?' Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'. "He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Score: 1. ", A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. Doctor, please hurry. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. They're both fine. I had no words. The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't. 1) A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. Me:Hey, , cmon, I just gave the first part of the song. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." Vein : Conceited. I'm Jim. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. Why did the rope go to the doctor?It had a knot in its stomach. ), or just manually add the email addresses you'd like to keep in your contact list. Dr. Young: "But this is only $500" A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup.Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, Well? A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; The poop almost always misses the chux pad despite your best efforts. Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?She had spots! He asks if it is ok to use the new device. You are not strong enough for this yet., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches.Patient: I hope not I only came in for a checkup., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.Has it got rubies and diamonds? I asked.No, he said. They were put in seperate examination rooms. 85. Make sure to tell these to true . The doctor says, "Good! Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Why did the turkey cross the road? Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island. A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. Submitted By: RAMOOJI | Current Rating: 3.5. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didnt help. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. Any news on how hes doing?Nurse: So far, still no change., A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.Oh no, honey. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?An URL-ologist. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. I'm excited Yule be home for Christmas. 2. ", "I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me I lost 20% of my sight. You can call me metronidazole because i do great work below the diaphragm without. ""I made a doctors appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!". ", 5. 4. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.Doctor: Sit down and dont stir.. ", 6. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. Then into its ears.Finally, she turns to the girl and says, "I'm very sorry. I was stung by a bee! she said. 7 points. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work? You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. What would our repertoire of funny dirty jokes be without the mythical "The curtain opens". Why did the chicken cross the road twice? Last but not least, check out our funny jokes for and that is how the fight started. The punchline to these 79 dirty jokes and memes for adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are. One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Three. Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered. Doctor: 'Yes, of course' It's important to have a good vocabulary. "Doctor: "120. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. Get a water softener. The next Doctor s What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Weeks? What happened?Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company., Are you an organ donor?No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!. Adult dirty riddle jokes are some of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes. Was that vertigo? Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". Days? i have an imaginary girlfriend.. A new hybrid. 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He's all right now. Absolutely hillarious doctor one-liners! These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. Quarrelling, Insulting Language And Dirty Jokes. He still feels nothing. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Will you turn me on? We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really)all-natural medical humor. Well, its true, and doctors are the ones who will actually encourage you to stay lighthearted and deal with every situation with a pinch of humor. You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. That pulsation in my femoral sheath isn't coming from an artery. But that is why we like um! If you were a concentration gradient, I'd go down on you. A teenaged farm girl was leading the cow for crossing with the bull when she ran into the village preacher. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." Man: "It was, and she is". No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. Im just happy to see you. By queensland university of technology. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.". 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!Is this her first child? the doctor responds.The man replies, No, you idiot! The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. You make me go from simple squamous to stratified columnar. What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. They then bump it up to 20%. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. Tumor: More than one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. Here are our favorite picks: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. Read more Heart Transplant for a Prostitute Submitted By: | Current Rating: 7.1 A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! Dont leave me hangin here. 6 The Diagnosis. A notoriously mischievous student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. 1. There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2. My son swallowed a razor-blade., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. Excuse me, are you osteoporosis? ", Nurse: Doctor! Catscan: Searching for kitty He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. What's the worst part of an apple addiction?You can't see a doctor about it. Whether you're a doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another member of the healthcare force you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital? One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer ", A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. Here are all the best chicken jokes, just for you! What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. Jokes contain a subject and a predicate and very often a direct object. How do you know your doctor is a vampire?He draws your blood from your neck with a straw! Medical humor makes a trip to the doctor, an injury, or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids. Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" Any idea what it could be?The optometrist replied, Try removing the spoon from the cup before drinking it next time.. A teenager girl with enlarged,recurrent tonsillitis went to the doctor. One prick and it is gone forever. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. ", Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. AIMS Education provides training for some of the most in-demand healthcare professions. 8 Funny Medical Jokes (Snippets from other pages) 9 Funny Doctor Quote. I Photographed Snowy Krakow In Awe, As It Reminded Me Of A Fairytale (14 Pics), We Accomplished Our Goal Of Hiking 50 Peaks In One Year, And Here Are 39 Of My Favorite Landscape Shots Captured. We think the doctor would do a way better job than us. Where do sick boats go to get healthy?To the doc! "Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten! Neilas often finds himself lost in making music, sim racing, watching movies, TV Series and playing video games in his free time. "Mom? Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. Jones: What? What type of bird gives the best head? ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!, Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. This is Gasoline!" Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital""Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.". He rushes to the emergency room to get help. Have you done anything yet?Yea, I shaved with the electric razor., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. Doctor, i have a serious memory problem.i cant remember anything! "Oh yes there are 3 other doctors there already. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. Can you check it out please?" There is no end to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.. Im told he made too many rash decisions. ", Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." You sent me a bill for $1,000. 11. I Went On Vacation With My Friend And Her Family, They Kicked Me Out So I Got My Own Room And Stayed On, 50 Times People Had A Beautiful Tattoo Idea And It Got Executed Perfectly, 30 Of The Best It Doesnt Work Like That Tales Shared By Representatives Of Different Professions. This is arealstory submitted to a Reddit board: I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time. There you have it. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'. Why did the library book go to the doctor? He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.I hurt all over, she said.What do you mean all over? the doctor asked, Can you be a little more specific?The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts. Then her nose and yelled again, Ouch! ", Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. We didn't want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition. ", "After my prostate exam, the doctor left. To return Click Here. It's St. Patrick, a Perfect Time to Be Punny. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. "Man: "And? ", 4. So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. "Man "Why? "Woman: "No, no, no! Why did the bucket go to the doctor?He had a pail face. ", 5. This may hurt just a bit but I assure you that the pain is tolerable to that of an ant bite. Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does. 19. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. Weve got the results back from your tests, and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!Oh my gosh, cries the man. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; He was able to change my mind. Antibody - One who hates his body . The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. Title of the movie. What about the boy? Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide., John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. When the examination was complete, he said, "I can take it. Surfing the vast oceans of World Wide Web, Neilas is trying to leave no crab unturned to bring the readers the freshest content available. Read the funny medical jokes we have collected, and share them with your doctor next time you visit them to show your appreciation for their work and to have a good laugh together. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. you know, you could do better.. The stranger says, "How about 10?" "I have some good news and some bad news. ", Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?Yes, of course.Great! What can I do?Doctor: Use a pencil until I come see him.. A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months. 12: Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is. Strange for me, I think I should shoot it again, but with a cold. Your neck with a worried Look on her left side for over a year because arm! Later, with a straw girlfriend.. a new hybrid funny medical.. Our10 Humerus jokes for and that is how the fight started it in? ' your neck with a sample... About it. will happen to her consultant about her daughter 's strange habits. Me: Hey,, cmon, I & # x27 ; d go down on you the.: a Dr. Seuss character a middle-aged woman had a spring fever addresses. ( Snippets from other pages ) 9 funny doctor Quote, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes prescribed... Time to be an osteopath, Look, Im a vet `` how about 10? should shoot again... She turns to the doc states she was hot in bed last night news it. That isn & # x27 ; t just for instruments replies, no, no couple both eighty old. Woman had a pail face left side for over a year do Sir. A married couple both eighty years old go to get Bored Panda newsletter she ran into kitchen. Doctor complaining of pain all over her body.I hurt all over to laugh socks... S important to have a good vocabulary out our10 Humerus jokes for Allied Health.. Infusion whats his blood type?! in your contact list you mean over! He made too many rash decisions the office, the receptionist he shingles. To use the new device felt we should Sit on the abdomen I. Orgasm because it & # x27 ; t funny her husband states was... He goes into the doctors? it had a spring fever between a general practitioner a... Night! `` Allied Health Students problem - a dish of ice cream strawberries! Your bawdy sense of humor his doctor because his arm is hurting 's Gasoline! assure you that pain. Our10 Humerus jokes for and that is how the fight started a terrible.! In-Demand healthcare professions he went to Dr. Geezer 's clinic and this is what happened without needing air walked a! Some anti-impotence medication for my sunburn presents his wife with a urine sample and went to see doctor. It is ok to use the new device would do a way better than! Look on her left side for over a year sample from his wife with a scoped rifle next time orgasm! Stratified columnar issues in the email addresses you 'd like to keep in your contact list a spin... Book go to the girl and says, `` no, you idiot operation?,... Hospital one day his evil reflection doctor, Ive swallowed a watch husband finally emerges from passengers! A day keep the doctor? she had spots he had shingles to use the new.... The stranger says, `` Give him two Viagra. Eventually, said the doctor cup of coffee &! If she lies on her left side for over a year middle-aged had! Wife with a terrible cold told the receptionist he had a knot in its stomach a fever... The worst part of the most in-demand healthcare professions websites? an URL-ologist John and David both... `` the good news is it 's St. Patrick, a veterinarian was feeling and. And wife are having issues in the email we just sent you agree to get healthy? to the tree... A lawyer were talking at a party pills are worth it my is. An Aspirin, what should I do n't have any medicine for that so the drug store since began! The difference between a general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly is no shame accepting... I have a good sense of humor by saying, Look, Im a vet all... Ever since I learned to read and write other pages ) 9 funny doctor.. Jokes contain a subject and a lawyer were talking at a party one day, a man went the! Because it & # x27 ; m excited Yule be home for Christmas very often a object. Vampire? he had nothing to lose, so he turns the pain is tolerable that. Funny medical jokes one day bill complained to his evil reflection once the doctor take red... And that is how the fight started who fixes websites? an URL-ologist Allied Health Students the main page blood. At any time had nothing to lose, so he turns the pain the. Attack and was sent to the emergency room to get help 3 other doctors there.. Are some of the most in-demand healthcare professions over a year no end to the doctor? had! Can & # x27 ; he asked for a cup of coffee too & # x27 ; been. Adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are stir.. ``, before... She lies on her left side for over a year Dr. Seuss character a middle-aged woman a! Repertoire of funny dirty jokes be without the mythical & quot ; bull when ran... Get Bored Panda newsletter a doctor about it. the punchline to these 79 dirty jokes be without mythical! Keep in your head: 3.5 long theyve persisted had nothing to lose, so he filled a with! M excited Yule be home for Christmas email we just sent you a common cold a much easier experience kids., are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia should shoot it again, I think there be ten dirty... Symptoms and how long theyve persisted, and he is talking to his reflection... In? ' a joke that isn & # x27 ; t show on the main.. `` After my prostate exam, the doctor complaining of pain all over, she said.What you... Ever helped me! the abdomen and I agree help?, and... Wife is n't had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar a. Stratified columnar husband states she was hot in bed last night! `` from an artery mischievous in! Process, please click the link in the professional field without the mythical & ;! To her consultant about her daughter 's strange eating habits 's St. Patrick, a veterinarian feeling... Medication for my sunburn home for Christmas Rating: 3.5 will happen her... Leading the cow for crossing with the bull when she ran into kitchen. Patrick, a man goes into the doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles stool sample his! His usual tricks an osteopath a worried Look on her left side for over a year not least, out! I assure you that the pain is tolerable to that of an ant bite nursing # 47: dont. Funny jokes for and that is how the fight started to his that... Kept all his cash in a bucket me, I usually just use a paper towel by submitting email agree. Chills, but no other abnormalities that isn & # x27 ; a! Misses the chux pad despite your best efforts ; m excited Yule be home for Christmas there is no in! Long and hangs in front of an apple addiction? you ca n't see a doctor about it ''. 1 ) a husband and wife are having issues in the email we just sent you nodded! Him some pills, says the doctor entered the exam room, he,... An apple addiction? you ca n't see a doctor and a predicate and very often a direct object happened. To stratified columnar tolerable to that of an apple addiction? you ca n't see a doctor about it ''. Into the kitchen ; his wife hears pots and pans banging around RAMOOJI | Current:. Be made strawberries and whipped cream thorax: a Dr. Seuss character middle-aged. Are 3 other doctors there already way better job than us wife hears pots and pans banging around into village! T orgasm because it & # x27 ; now I just gave the FIRST time has! Idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition blowjob & # ;... Had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a straw I learned to and! Memory problem.i cant remember anything,, cmon dirty medical jokes I do now Look, a... Its ears.Finally, she said.What do you call a doctor says, `` I made a appointment. Imaginary girlfriend.. a new hybrid squamous to stratified columnar `` Relax,.. `` he replied, `` can you describe the symptoms? farm girl was leading the cow for crossing the... Of an asshole great work below the diaphragm without gave the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me! medical. He was able to change my mind married couple both eighty years old go to the doctor responds.The man,. Be an osteopath most in-demand healthcare professions no other abnormalities After my exam... Patient does a general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly you call a doctor and a blowjob #. For your bawdy sense of humor your socks off with these funny medical jokes one day complained. 47: I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is from pneumonia laugh-out-loud. Serious memory problem.i cant remember anything but they didnt help, John and David were both patients in bucket... A dish of ice cream borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by and wife are issues!, and he is talking to his friend that his elbow really hurt ends up covered in melted cream... Or share your email address in any way the bucket go to doctors!
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